Emes Ve-Pshara

Home of the world’s only true "Centrist."

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Location: Windy City

Much of who I am is based on the philosophy of my primary mentor, the only Gadol beTorah ever, Rabbi Aaron Soloveichik, from whom I supposedly received my rabbinic ordination. It is also based on a search for spiritual Truth from various resources that I have studied, mostly online. Primarily it is a reflection of my understanding of two great philosophic works, "Oz VeHadar Levushah" by Rabbi Pesach Eliyahu Falk, and "Bobby Visits the Zoo" by the pre-eminent Jewish philosopher and theologian, Rabbi Dr. Nathan P. Slifkin. Another individual who helped shape my thinking was "Hirhurim" who introduced me to the world of online philosophic thought. Of great influence was the Yeshiva I attended: the Hebrew Theological College, or HTC, where for a period of ten years my Rebbeim included such great Rabbinic figures as Rabbi Yaakov Perlow, Rabbi Mordechai Rogov, and of course Rabbi Aaron Soloveichik, many of whom were thrown out of Skokie. As Rabbi Chaim Kreisworth used to say, "You’re not chashuv until you’ve been thrown out of Skokie!" Also, I note the many mind-enhancing substances I came into contact down in the tunnels beneath Skokie as critical to my expanded consciousness.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

In Search of a Good Pizza

We've reached the Jewish month of Adar, and the J-Bloggosphere is already buzzing with excitement. But I feel there's an important matter that needs to be addressed immediately - kosher pizza.

Before I get started, one disclaimer. Horrible pizza exists in all communities, MO as well as Chareidi. I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge that. The reasons, however, are worlds apart. I wish to focus on Chareidim because they have always been so smug about...well, everything. Also, they smell. But back to the pizza.

Last Saturday night, I went with my family to a local Chareidi pizza establishment and ordered a seemingly innocuous slice of cheese pizza. Nothing fancy, just plain pizza. Biting into the pizza was like going into a Chareidi mikva. The crust was too hard - almost painful to bite into, and the sauce was bland and pasty. Needless to say, the cheese was utterly tasteless.

Now of course you may ask: What does bad pizza have to do with Chareidim? But I feel the answer is clear. It is my view that the Chareidi community's narrow Hashkafa of "Torah Only" is so rigid and demanding that Chareidim are simply incapable of producing good pizza. It's all about "learning, learning, learning," as Rav Schach used to say. Any other activity is looked down upon. Is it any wonder that they can't produce a decent slice of pizza? It's almost as if the food is purposely made to taste like cardboard in the hope that Chareidim will be discouraged from going out to eat.

There has finally been some recognition of the problem by Chareidi leadership. After tasting a slice of "Chareidi-style" pizza, several people heard Rabbi Aaron Feldman mutter, "Oy vey." This is an absolutely true story.

The one Orthodox group which seems the most capable of producing a competent pizza is the serious Centrists. This is because by nature, Centrists are serious about everything – Torah, Mitzvot, Internet, Television, Mud Wrestling, and of course, Pizza. We emphasize Torah learning and give Torah authorities their proper due, unless they're Chareidim, when we bash them mercilessly. Centrist pizza is right in the middle. Neither too much sauce, nor too little. Not too light on the spices, but neither are they overwhelming. A crust that is neither soggy nor hard. True Centrist Pizza is a living role model for how pizza should be made.

I want to relate one personal story which I believe illustrates the mark of a Centrist pizza. This story is about my Rebbe, Rav Aaron Soleveichic. Rav Soleveichic was a true Gadol Hador, unlike so many others in his generation. It was pointed out by R. Aaron's son, R. Moshe Soleveichic, during his levayah, that R. Moshe Feinstein considered R. Aaron one of the Gedolei Hador. It should be noted that this statement was made at a time when the Brisker Rav was still alive, as was CI, RAK, RYH, FBI, YMCA, RSVP and Triumph the Comic Dog.

So we once entered an upscale Italian restaurant together and ordered a pizza. When the food finally arrived, it was obvious that the pizza sauce had not been spiced well. So what did my Rebbe do? Did he berate the staff as many intolerant so-called gedolim would have done? No, of course not. Instead, he looked up at the waiter and asked, "Could you please bring us some garlic?"

Please, he said. How proud I was of my Rebbe.

This story explains why, last Saturday night, I stood up and announced to all the patrons of that Chareidi pizza joint, "This pizza is just not good!" I did it for the sake of Emes, without a care for the stares of the patrons, and the threats to call the police or the booby-hatch.

And I'm sure my Rebbe would have been proud of me too.

10 Comments:

Blogger Steg (dos iz nit der šteg) said...

Keifer! Pizza crust must be as hard and crunchy as possible (without being burnt, chas vesholeim), and not let the slice sag out of one's hand! I knew those "Centrists" were no good!

6:21 AM  
Blogger thanbo said...

ah, you poor benighted FFBs. you've never had real Italian pizza. It's not Chicago style (sorry Harry), it's not New York style, it's something else. Thin crust with no roll at the edge like American pizza, but tapering off to a crisp edge, with sauce or vegetables/cheese right up to the edge.

Of course, the only places I've had it have been Paris and Park Slope, but more worldly friends have told me that's the real thing (not Coke).

6:55 AM  
Blogger Mississippi Fred MacDowell said...

LOL

"So we once entered an upscale Italian restaurant together and ordered a pizza. When the food finally arrived, it was obvious that the pizza sauce had not been spiced well. So what did my Rebbe do? Did he berate the staff as many intolerant so-called gedolim would have done? No, of course not. Instead, he looked up at the waiter and asked, "Could you please bring us some garlic?"

Priceless!

7:25 AM  
Blogger blogginnoggin said...

Hilarious!

9:08 AM  
Blogger Harry Maryles said...

True Centrist Pizza is a living role model for how pizza should be made.

Truer words were never spoken. I have been to many fine Pizza establishments. Unfortunately none of them compare to my own home made super secret Centrist recipe.

I wasn’t always such a Pizza expert. But necessity is the mother of invention and I just HAD to learn because in all of my journeys throughout Boro Park, I never found anything but Charedi Pizzas. No Deep dish... No (fake) Pepperoni Pizza, no MO-Lite Pizza.... and certainly no Centrist Pizza. What’s a growing 59 year old to do? All I could find was this really Greasy Charedi stuff. It is a Charedi conspiracy. It’s probably because they have all the great Mechanchim!

So I decided to learn how to make really good Centrist Pizza from my good friend Rav Aharon Lichtenstein. He told me the secret recipe.
Because we Centrists are not insular I will share it with my fellow blogger, Emes Ve-Pshara who has graced us with this beautiful and heartwarming post... and his devoted readers:

OK. Here's my Pizza recipe.

Ingredients:
1 pkg. Maccabee Pizza Bagels.
1 microwave oven.

Directions:
Open pkg.
Remove 1 pizza bagel
Stick in microwave.
Set for 1.5 minutes and press "start"

Take out and enjoy.

2:33 PM  
Blogger daat y said...

hILARIOUS.
Harry you are a great sport.And thanks for the tip-or the crust.

4:14 AM  
Blogger anonymous said...

"but more worldly friends have told me that's the real thing (not Coke)."

it's not! Pizza was just leftover bread dough that was rolled flat and made differently in different areas of italy. (No rolled crust for this reason). Very similar to foccaccia.

1:41 AM  
Blogger Harry Maryles said...

Actually, Pizza dough was the original Matzah. It is used until this day by Sefardim.

5:56 PM  
Blogger Michael Kopinsky said...

Oh, man. This is great!!!

Shkoiach.

9:49 PM  
Blogger DJR said...

Oy! It should, of course, be "Emes uFshara."

2:30 AM  

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